A modern love story and the Importance of compatibility

 Like all good stories this one is about love. A story from my past that taught me about the importance of compatibility and boundaries. It starts with me meeting a girl during a birthday party at the age of 25. It all began with physical attraction, the usual looks of interest and a word or two that got exchanged.

 About three weeks passed and she reached out to me with a letter. At the time, I felt extremely lonely in my life and had a low self esteem. I was really motivated to see it through and do what I could to have someone be interested in me. Every step she took towards me felt good and we ended up writing to each other every day.

 Through writing she shared her soul with me and I took care of it as best as I could at the time by being soft, understanding and caring. This girl felt lost in a big world, I offered a warm place in my heart and she loved that about me in her own way.

 This connection was mostly through writing as we hardly ever met in real life. When we did meet in person there were other people around and our connection remained a secret. We acted as if it did not exist.

 Her heart belonged to another and I knew it but still stayed to get the leftover love. I thought maybe she would change her mind if I became valuable enough… but this was not what actually happened.

 I ended up being a person she reached out to after being rejected by others. She would fall into pieces that I took and put back together the best I could. When she was put back together the girl would leave again to find another person who will do the same all over again.

 This dynamic made me angry but this anger did not leave me in the words. I buried it and replaced it with hurtful love. I gave even more of myself to her. I had not given up though the rift in myself grew in strength until I started to communicate my unhappiness to that girl.

 Me expressing my feelings was a shock to her system and she decided to make a compromise. All in all, I could tell she truly cared about me but failed to see us together as a couple.

 What she offered was her body which I accepted. She would give herself to me occasionally and in exchange I would offer my warm heart and attention when she needed it.

 Today I know why she did not want to be with me. She was afraid of being alone and at the same time when someone got close to her she got afraid of being vulnerable. She was afraid of being taken advantage of and the way she dealt with it was to keep people comfortably close. Not too far, not too close.

 I believe this scenario often plays out with people who prefer to love the body of another instead of opening their heart. Opening their heart would mean facing the possibility of rejection. Getting close physically but not emotionally feels safer to them and provides just enough connection to keep the illusion of not being alone.

 I would say modern love in our society has not experienced safe connection. It's just been a series of rejections in a world where people don't even have any skills of how to resolve conflicts. It all comes down to whose anger is stronger and who is right after all.

 We fight to be loved and when we perceive we can't win we pick our stuff together and leave. I'm not saying it's an entirely wrong thing to do but for sure there were decisions that were made by being blinded with the hope of being loved forever.

 I was willing to be the secret lover in the night who leaves to not be seen by the day lover. I agreed to that for the reason of getting something instead of nothing. By agreeing to that I actually took away from myself a chance of true connection because with her it was actually just a dream of a bright future.

 I thought that she would change if I was patient enough. I ended up being the most patient man for years until I could not take it anymore. It finally dawned on me that we wanted different things.

 I found out that love by itself is just not enough. She did not want me in its entirety, she just wanted parts of who I was and the same was true for me. I loved her sometimes and then when this other personality emerged from her I acted as if it did not exist. It was time for me to let the parts I loved about her disappear.

 In a way it was ironic for the reason that this could not happen before me accepting who she was fully. I let go of the dream I held, by doing that I met the reality which was seeing this distance between us and the hurt we were creating to each other by fooling ourselves.

 We were not compatible with each other and there was nothing we could do to change that. I sent her a letter letting her know how I felt and what I needed to do. I put out clear boundaries and I have not spent time together with her for long years now.

 For a while I felt inescapably lonely, there was no one to soothe my pain. I'm sure she felt the same but I stayed true to myself. A year later I met someone better for me. Someone who accepted me as I was and I did the same for her.

 Today I thank this girl for showing me how love does not work because knowing that makes it possible for me to know how it actually does work.

 Love is not a game of feelings meeting each other and bodies touching. It is a total merging of everything we are. The mind, body, emotions and the reality of who we are right now to each other.

 To build something lasting everything needs to fit together in an unapologetic way. We do not make compromises in love and partnership. It may sound a little heartless but it's true.

 There is a perfect someone out there for us and this perfect someone for sure comes with challenges. However these challenges are of a different kind that love actually can conquer since this love is supported by everything else we are for each other.

Ott Rõngas
15.04.2024