Reality and its connection to a need of validation

 To really go into this theme, we need to define “What is reality?”. In simplified terms, it is what feels, looks, seems logical and is validated by ourselves and people around us. If it walks and talks a certain way it must mean it is real. Is it?

This question here is a rabbit hole that goes deep and keeps on going once you start to explore it.

 Let's unravel how reality is created. When a child is born he/she does not have an understanding of how its environment works. This process of starting to understand can be called a “crystallization”. Its a process of a person synchronising itself with its environment. He/she becomes a member of society by agreeing to abide by a set of rules. These rules are first taught to us by our parents. The parent figures have already gone through the crystallization process and live by these sets of rules that have come from their own parents, school system,mass media, culture and traditions. Ultimately, this sense of reality gets cemented in by the validation from others on this learnt system. Reality is crystallised by what we agree reality is, a set of rules and thought forms carried by logic and mind. We keep each other accountable to live by this agreed upon reality. We accept this reality into ourselves because we want to belong and want to understand what's going on around us. To have a set of rules that makes it possible for us to be connected and experience what we want. We remain in control because if we act in a certain way we get a certain outcome back, there is also a sense of progress and rewards when things go as expected. This way of living and upbringing shapes a reality that can also be called a Consensus reality.

 One could say, where we get stuck is when consensus reality does not not work for us. For example, we got educated and got our degrees in schools or we worked for something for a long time but for some reason we do not get results this consensus reality promises us. Then we ask, why did it happen this way? It is because in addition to this consensus reality we also have our personal reality that actually holds in itself a power of manifestation. We are the center of ourselves, not the consensus reality. Interestingly, when we run into trouble of not succeeding or losing control we tend to look towards this other person who has broken the rules of consensus reality and blame our lack of success on them.

 We have defined two different terms, “Consensus reality” and “Personal reality”. We also have seen how they interact with each other. I also mentioned a crucial part of how it all stays together, it holds in itself a process of validating each other's reality. All being done with a goal of being able to understand and control our reality.

 Let's talk a little more about our personal reality, the way we manifest what we are match to. The events that happen greatly depend on our personal traumas. In a way, you could look at it as whenever we bring in our emotions we step out of this Consensus reality which is only maintained by mind and logic. Arguably, it has some empathy coded into it but it does not take into account our individual needs. 

 From my experience, the moment I started to heal my traumas I ended up alone because I started go in opposition of the consensus reality and started to see things in different way than those around me. I believe that when we start to heal ourselves we step out of the consensus reality in a bigger way than ever before. I came into new awareness of how our reality works, how our body works, how our emotions work and then I expected others to validate my experience. I did not want to do things in the same way I did before. I was in this process of reshaping my personal reality in a new way and it started to fight against me. The people that knew me as I were before wanted the old me back which no longer worked for me. My experience of reality ended up gaslighted and made fun of by those that were not accepting of me stepping out of the consensus reality they were part of. Sometimes, I wondered if I had made these changes in the right way? This is actually what happens to many of us. There is a great need for validation in us because our reality is a inorganic construct that is extremely hard to crystallise into, we need a great amount of learning processes and validation to become part of it. The moment we find out its artificial nature which does not align with true human nature and we take our first steps in ourselves to regain what feels good to us, we end up at odds within ourselves and others. The way out of this bind is to develop a strong core of identity, in other words a strong core of who we are. When we do that it becomes possible for us to take the next steps in our healing journey. My experience is my own and no one else can fully understand that, therefore other people do not have the power to invalidate my personal reality. The healing journey has in itself this step of separating from old us, and often this means disconnecting from that and giving up connections we had developed, which means we might end up alone for a while.

 Let's say this core self is now developed through trauma work, through establishing our personal identity and boundaries. We have reshaped the belief system in a way that we do not base our sense of reality in what other people tell us is the truth. In other words, we disconnect with other people's personal realities and consensus reality. We choose ourselves what is best for us and we make peace with it. At some point, we shift the way we manifest our personal reality in a fundamental way. We move into alignment with our own power and identity. We have developed the “I”. The old has been left behind. 

 The next step is that we become a match to other people who have done the same. We meet others who share similar insights as us in this new way that we also do not feel the need to invalidate their reality. They can have their own way of being that is not matched up with ours, but there is still enough that we give to each other in a healthy way.

 This sounds good but in practice it means if others have done wrong to us we can't expect them to validate this experience. We can't expect them to recognise and understand our pain. This means we are left alone with it and there is no one that will come and save us or share this pain with us. As long as there is someone to validate the injustice done upon us we do not really face the true nature of our reality. In this context, validation can actually keep the old reality alive. We play into consensus reality that does not hold our personal power in it. In a way, we prolong our pain by putting fault into others and therefore not taking the responsibility over our own reality. Yes, there was injustice done to us but peace with it needs to be done within ourselves. If we want it from outside we are in odds with the nature of our reality.

  At the core, what needs to be understood is that we are born into our own body and we are alone in it. No one else understands it the way each of us do. This separation is what makes it possible to build our personal identity. It is a gift when used in the correct way, but can be a source of endless pain if we keep on fighting over injustice. If we keep on trying to be validated in our experience the result is we keep the pain alive and never receive the validation we need. We are stuck and there seems to be no way out. The answer is, only way out is to go in.

  Everything that happens around us is foremost the manifestation of a person living in its own reality and then it becomes a mix of personal realities with other people around us. We are not one. We do not actually have a common reality the way it is traditionally understood. We are made to believe that but It is a artificial construct that is not rooted in truth. We are connected but separate. This is the human experience. Healing involves finding peace with this. Closeness is possible, but it takes time. Once we have established our own identity that is in sync with our emotional system and needs we can find all the connection and validation we ever wanted.

  Reality will start to manifest from a different place, in a new way, coming from this place we do not fight to be validated. We do not struggle with other people to be understood. We express ourselves and it is received. There are less rules and more empathy in this way of communicating. We do not fight over whose reality is the right one, our experience is welcomed and we welcome others experiences into our lives, even though it may be at odds with ours at times. does not mean we need to change it in them. If we feel challenged, we go within ourselves to gain awareness as to what makes us feel uneasy so we can take it in and find understanding.
 

 At times, we feel a great need to take a stance in our society. This can easily become the mission of our lives. What we have developed in us can be shared to show light upon something that is out of alignment in the society we live in. For that reason I also write these articles, I put this information out to be found by people who already have started to look for answers to these questions. Their construct of reality has already crumbled and now it needs to be rebuilt. This kind of openness is needed for change to happen but if we step in opposition with other peoples truths while they deeply believe in it we rarely get results. Empowerment lies in us living according to our truths that come from a place of empathy. Gathering people around us who do the same, in this way we build our own world that lives in accordance to who we are. One could say we become the embodiment of what we believe in. This can be seen by other people around us in a stronger way than just us protesting or fighting against something. The energy we put out is the energy we get back.

Ott Rõngas

25.03.2024